Released: 2021
Director: Peter Benson
Writers: Greg Rossen and Brian Sawyer
Stars: Tamera Mowry-Housley, Paul Campbell and Joe Pantoliono as Francis.
Watch it: Stack TV on Amazon Prime, Hallmark on the W Network.
Holiday score: 6
I might be getting soft, but this movie had a number of Christmas elements like caroling, decorations and a little bit of Santa. None were great, but I'll give it to them.
Romance score: 3
They try for the whole odd couple between a messy grizzled police veteran and a by-the-book rookie, but I'd rather be in jail than watch these two try to fall in love.
Comedy score: 3
It feels like they tried to be funny, but nothing worked.
I'm one of those people who has Spotify on standby in my head at all times. Everything that happens in my life makes me think of a song. It's like the soundtrack for my life. My head plays all genres, but the general breakdown is usually:
20% Various 80s hits. That's my jam!
10% Current hits. It can't be all Van Halen and Michael Jackson.
5% Depeche Mode. This is over and above my dose of 80s hits. I just can't get enough.
5% John Mayer. He may be a player, but he's a guitar god.
5% Wham! RIP George Michael.
5% The song Roar by Katy Perry. Shut your mouth, just shut it.
5% Neil Diamond. He get's everyone dancing.
5% Songs I make up in my head. Usually new lyrics to an existing tune and, yes, they are amazing.
40% this sound.
When I thought of my review for The Santa Stakeout, a song came into my head by Tiffany. No, not that song. It was the song Could've Been. That is because I was thinking about all the things this movie could've been. I know the actors are good, I've seen them in other movies so the acting could have been better. I like the premise and the movie sets things up well enough that the story could have been good. But, its like a cop building a case against an art thief. They get the motive, means and opportunity and then they just drop the case. It was frustrating.
The Santa Stake out stars Tamera Mowry-Housley as rookie detective Tanya Morris. She just moved from Wisconsin to Denver to take her first detective job. She is your standard newbie who likes to do things by-the-book, which is a good thing for a detective.
Tanya thought she'd be able to spend the holidays with her sister and her sister's fiancée, but it turns out they've been invited to spend the holidays with his parents in Aspen. Tanya is understandably disappointed, but hopefully there will be some grizzly murder so Tanya can bury herself in her work and think about DNA, blood splatter patterns, blood found on clothing and shoe prints found in blood splatter instead of thinking about being alone at Christmas. I find blood usually helps me forget that kind of stuff too. It feels weird to hope for that, but this is a just a movie so it's OK to hope for something terrible, right?
The Santa Stakeout also stars Paul Campbell as grizzled detective Ryan Anderson. Ryan and Tanya have desks that face each other so that Ryan can share his wisdom with Tanya like old pizza is the perfect breakfast (true), rules are stupid (sometimes true), Christmas is best spent watching football (we all know it's best spent watching holi-rom-coms) and that police never solve crimes unless they have a consultant who is hyper-observant, bordering on psychic, who helps them out (false, though TV would tell us otherwise).
There has been a rash of art thefts in Denver and the only lead they have is that each theft happened on the night of a Christmas party. Tanya notices that the same Santa, Francis Miller played by Joe Pantoliono, worked each party. Unfortunately they don't have enough evidence to search his home. Paul proposes they stakeout Francis' home so they can get the evidence they need to bust Santa and ruin Christmas for everyone. The chief loves the idea, but obviously both Paul and Tanya both need to be at the stakeout.
Will Paul and Tanya find the evidence they need to solve the crime without the help of a mentalist? Of course not. Will the exuberant rookie and the grizzled veteran get along while living in the same house over the holidays? Maybe we'll have two crimes in this movie. Will the real crime happen when Paul steals Tanya's heart or will she keep it locked up forever? It would be a crime if they didn't fall in love. What's that? The only crime is my long list of puns? Well, shut your mouth. You'll have to watch The Santa Stakeout to find out, but you probably shouldn't.
Holiday Score: 6
I think I'm being generous when I give this movie a holiday score of six. I think I was kind because I recently watched the movie While You Were Sleeping, which is technically a holi-rom-com. While this Sandra Bullock movie is miles ahead of nearly every other holi-rom-com out there, we are talking lightyears here, it actually doesn't have a lot of holiday stuff going on which makes The Santa Stakeout look much better in this department. But ONLY on the holiday score. On the romance and comedy scores, well , it's best not to compare these two.
The Santa Stakeout happens over Christmas. It of course has a pretend Santa, but we don't see him nearly as much as I would have thought. This is where I heard Tiffany sing the first verse of Could've Been. I would have loved to see Paul or Tanya dress up as Santa. That would have been great and provided some opportunities for humour.
The movie lots of the standard Christmas stuff like Christmas decorations, ugly Christmas sweaters, Christmas baking and caroling. I left caroling until the end because I want to say that I love Christmas carols, but I think caroling door-to-door is kind of weird and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't mind being the singer, but I don't want someone knocking on my door then making me listen to them butcher Silent Night then I awkwardly say, "thank you" while I wonder if I should invite them in. I, of course, use some excuse like, "Oh, I'd invite you in, but we aren't vaccinated." Then my wife whispers angrily to me, "Yes we are vaccinated." And I whisper angrily back, "I don't care. I don't want these wanna-be Michael Bublés in my house right now." And she replies, but not in a whisper, "We haven't had people in home for two freaking years. I NEED human interaction!" At this point the carolers are backing away slowly, trying not to make eye-contact.
Romance Score: 3
The Santa Stakeout gets a three for a romance score. There are two storylines that this movies tries to use to create the romance between Tanya and Paul. The first is the odd couple vibe. Instead of creating tension and hijinks, this feels more like a mother and her messy child and that isn't the kind of relationship we want here. Well, I assume that isn't what they wanted here because that is creepy AF.
The second is the romance that comes with solving the caper. This is where I heard Tiffany sing the second and loudest verse of Could've Been. This movie sets up a decent opportunity for a real mystery to solve. Not only do they set up old man Miller as the possible crook, they give reasonable suggestions for other members of the neighbourhood to have participated as well. My interest was totally piqued. I've learned to temper my expectations so I wasn't expecting a mystery like Knives Out (would have been amazing) or a blend of mystery and comedy we find in Psych (best mystery show ever) or even a Scooby-do level of mystery (would have been something at least). That said, it suggested there was a mystery, it built up parts of a mystery and then it didn't deliver. Just like when you order something on Amazon Prime and you select one day shipping because it says its available then it doesn't arrive for two days. TWO DAYS!?! How am I supposed to wait TWO DAYS for my birthday cake flavoured Oreos? #FirstWorldProblems.
Comedy Score: 3
I was first interested in The Santa Stakeout because I just watched Paul Campbell in Window Wonderland and I really liked it. See my review here. I also saw that it has Joe Pantoliono. He was in the Matrix! Then I thought, "this movie is going to rock!" This is where Tiffany sings takes Could've Been to the chorus. I expected these two actors to provide decent acting with some humour thrown in. Unfortunately they weren't given a good script to work with.
Well, maybe it was the directing. There were a few lines that were delivered like the actors were reading it for the first time and sometimes an actor will do that, but usually there is a director that tells them, "You awful human being! How dare you disgrace the good name of Hallmark with your utterly uninspired acting!?! Now do it again, but this time, with feeling. Oh, and pretend you are a monkey and you are trying to explain theoretically physics to Tarzan."
I sometimes hesitate taking actors to task because there are lots of reasons an actor could deliver a subpar performance. But when I watch a movie like While You Were Sleeping and see what good acting should be like, I get a little angry and don't feel so bad.
If you are looking for a sweet romance, wrapped in a mystery and tied up with some comedy...then you should probably look somewhere else.
If you are looking for a holi-rom-com with some holiday cheer, a poorly done odd couple theme and actors giving 50%...then you should watch The Santa Stakeout.
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