2018
Director: Clay Kaytis
Writers: David Guggenheim and Matt Lieberman and John Kong as “Korean Student #2”
Stars: Kurt Russell, Darby Camp, Judah Lewis
See this movie if... you like a lots of magic in your Christmas movie and you like your Santa to be a little bad-ass.
Don't see this movie if... you are expecting the next Christmas classic or you like your Santa fat and jolly.
The Christmas Chronicles stars Kurt Russell as Santa Claus. Kurt Russell hits all the right notes as Santa. He is just old enough to look like he has been around for centuries. He has a sweet beard that curls up like your brother-in-law’s creepy Movember ‘stache. “No, Trevor, your ‘stache doesn’t look hipster cool. You look like the ugly love child of a second rate porn star and an 1800’s movie villain. Now quite bugging the kids, you’re making them cry.” Kurt Russell’s Santa also has your typical sleigh, reindeer and bag.
That said, Kurt Russell isn’t your typical Santa. He’s a cool Santa. He may wear a red suit, but it looks almost like leather. I say almost like leather because I think his reindeer would be pissed if he wore real leather. “Santa, where’s dasher?” “Well, Prancer, Dasher was couldn’t keep up anymore and I needed a new pair of pants.” He also doesn’t sing lame Christmas songs like Santa Claus is Coming to Town. He sings cool Elvis Christmas songs.
Kurt Russell is such a cool Santa that I have to make my top 10 best Santas. These aren’t people how have necessarily played Santa, but who I think would be an awesome Santa.
10. Jackie Chan - Jackie Chan’s Santa movie would be about a gang who is planning on stealing all the toys after Santa delivers them and Santa has to return to deliver a round-house kick of justice. I’m geeking out thinking about all the cool ways he could deliver toys.
9. Michael Keegan Key - Michael Keegan Key’s Santa movie would be about a substitute mall Santa who berates all the kids for their stupid-ass names. Santa: “Is there a Jam-mes. Any Jam-mes here?” Child: “Do you mean James?” Santa: “Son of a nutcracker!!!”
8. Keanu Reeves - Keanu’s Santa movie would be about a world where everyone is brainwashed by an evil corporation to not believe in Santa so parents have to buy Christmas presents. Santa has to bring back Christmas spirit using Kung-fu while saying “whoa”.
7. Oprah - I just wish there was a Santa who said, “You get a car and you get a car and you get a car. Everyone gets a car!” Best...Santa...EVER!
6. Mike Myers - I had the thought, what if Mike Myers played Santa like Austin Powers. It was like when you were a kid and you mixed all the pop in your glass and called it swamp water and then you puked. Then I realized that would be the worst Santa ever. Now I can’t get the idea out of my head. I keep hearing
Santa saying, “Yeah baby!” And I imagine him singing the song I Saw Mommy Shagging Santa Clause. Make it stop, make it stop!
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger - His movie would be about a Santa from the future who comes back to protect the one person who can make Christmas truly great, Oprah. During the end credits he would sing I’ll Be Back for Christmas.
4. Jerry Seinfeld - What’s the deal with the fur suit? I mean, I have to fly from house to house through the whole world in just one night. I move like a million miles an hour. That fur suit will only slow me down and at the very least make mea sweaty mess. How about a nice red spandex suit. That would provide the necessary flexibility especially as I eat all those cookies in one night.
3. Gal Gadot - Would it be wrong to have a Jewish person play Santa. Not if it’s Gal Gadot.
2. Kurt Russell - He’s old enough to play Santa, but cool enough to be the uncle who gave you Call of Duty when you were 11. His movie would be...well...this movie.
1. Samuel L. Jackson - “I see you when you're naughty or nice so you better be good, mother…”
So Kurt Russell isn’t my number one Santa, but he’s a close second. I liked him as Santa. He’s not your boring jolly old Santa who appears slightly naive, but ends up knowing everything. He has all the magic Santa should have, but with a cooler attitude, though not so much that you don’t believe he really is Santa.
The story starts with memories of Christmas past of a happy little family. It is shown through the lens of a video camera that the mother, Claire (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), gives to the father, Doug (Oliver Hudson), for Christmas one year. Yes this camera has significance through the movie.
Unfortunately before the movie even gets started we lose Daddy Doug. This of course turns his son Teddy (Judah Lewis) into a criminal while his little sister Kate (Darby Camp) uses his old camera to connect with her Dad. Mom is at her wits end being a single Mom and trying to raise her terrible son.
Kate is able to blackmail her brother into helping her try to record Santa on their Dad’s old video camera. Amazingly, of all the kids who have tried to catch Santa before, these two wonder-twins actually get footage of the jolly old elf. The kids then hear footsteps on the roof and run outside to see if they can catch the fat man in person. While they don’t see the Santa they do see his sleigh because Santa has time on Christmas Eve to leave his sleigh double-parked above their house. The kids manage to mess things up so bad that Santa needs their help to fix it again.
While I don’t think this movie will be a Christmas classic, I did enjoy it. It had plenty of Christmas magic. The story was ok and it had a few laughs. It had a couple of twists on the traditional Santa story. And, of course it had Kurt Russell as the second coolest Santa there could be.
I liked The Christmas Chronicle and I think your family will too. If you are looking a Christmas story with the traditional fat jolly Santa...you should still probably look somewhere else.
If you want a movie with Christmas magic and a slightly different Santa...then you should watch The Christmas Chronicle.
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