2015
Stars: Danica McKellar, Rupert Penry-Jones, and Ellie Botterill
Where to Watch: Netflix
Review Overview
Holiday score: 7
Snowball fights are fun!
Romance score: 7
The character feel real and the acting is pretty OK. Plus the villains are actually good.
Comedy score: 5
Not hilarious, but it avoids the terrible jokes other holi-rom-coms believe to be comedy.
The Full Review
Today I am reviewing the movie Crown for Christmas and my friends, this is it! This is the moment I have spent years preparing for. I have finally found an "OK" holi-rom-com. OK, I hear you. You say, “You’ve been preparing for years for a just ‘OK’ movie? I don’t want a just ‘OK’, I want an amazing movie that renews my faith in love, fills me with the Christmas spirit, while making me laugh so hard my neighbours think I just bought a live donkey for my nativity this year.”
I hear you and my response is, sshhhh. Just ssshhh. You don’t know what you want. Sure, you say you want to watch the best holi-rom-com every night of the week. We all want that. Well actually, I like to watch terrible holi-rom-coms so I can write reviews about them, but that’s just me. I can absolutely point you to some freaking amazing holi-rom-coms. Four Christmases may be the best overall holi-rom-com. My review is coming soon. Elf may be the most entertaining holi-rom-com, though a little light on the rom part. Window Wonderland is, in my humble opinion, the best of the small budget holi-rom-coms. Start with those and we’ll talk again when you’re done.
Oh, you’ve watched all those amazing holi-rom-com’s? Well that’s the problem, isn’t it? We love holi-rom-coms so much that we keep watching holiday movies to find the next amazing holi-rom-com. We wade through the swamp of un-funny, un-romantic, un-holiday-ee, and the just plain terrible holi-rom-coms (I’m looking at you, The Holiday Calendar), hoping we don’t get leaches under our breaches, just to find a few decent movies. And that, my friends, is why I am celebrating Crown for Christmas. Here is a truly “fine” holi-rom-com. Heck, we should all celebrate. Yay mediocrity! You know, that was my quote in my high school year book. Anyway, let’s talk about a pretty much “OK” holi-rom-com.
Crown for Christmas stars Danica McKellar. “Oh, hello Winnie Cooper. What a surprise to see you here.” Actually, it is not a surprise at all. Since The Wonder Years, Danica has made a decent living as an actor in many holi-rom-coms for many different holidays. She has stared in ten movies in the Christmas romantic movie genre alone. She’s a pro as this, which is why she brought her C+ game to Crown for Christmas, as she always does.
Danica plays Allie, who hasn’t had a picture-perfect life. Her parents passed away, leaving her to look after her siblings, Lisa and Aaron. Allie does what she can, but they are struggling just to get by. Allie is also a talented artist, but she gave it all up after one disastrous show. We don’t know what made it a disaster, but I like to imagine her paintings were cubist interpretations of the movie The Next Karate Kid. No, not the original Karate Kid movies with Mr. Miyagi and Daniel-son. No, not the reboot with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. No, not the Cobra Kai TV show where Johnny and Daniel become friends. No, not the Karate Kid: Legends movie that is coming out next year. No, it's the one with Hillary Swank. Oh, you can't remember any movie with Hillary Swank in it? Touche.
Anyway, while Allie is working her maid job, she runs into the handsome Max, played by Rupert Penry-Jones. Allie literally runs into Max and the interaction is very OK. It wasn’t so funny I did a spit take or or so romantic I said, "awwww", but it was...good. It was a perfectly fine meet-cute and a fine start to a fine movie.
Don't tell Allie, but Max is actually the king of Winshire. OK, let’s take a moment to talk fictional countries in rom-coms because it never works well. The Princess Switch has Belgravia, The Princess Diaries has Genovia, Coming to America has Zamunda, Enchanted has Andalasia, and Black Panther has Wakanda. I know Black Panter isn’t a rom-com, but I love Marvel movies, and I had to throw it in. Having a fictional country allows a movie to have a fictional monarchy with a fictional royal family, but without the baggage of real royal families. The problem is that a fictional country introduces so many questions.
First, where does is this fictional country exist? Some movies place their country in Africa, which works for North Americans because we don’t squat about Africa. Black Panter could have said Wakanda borders Sudan, Bostwana, and Ghangia and we all would have said, “OK” even though Sudan and Botswana are on opposite sides of Africa and Ghangia doesn’t exist.
Even if you get the geography right, here’s a spoiler, all the land on our planet has been claimed by at least one country. There isn't a chunk of land on any continent, just waiting for some benevolent king to claim it. This isn't the 17th century. (Yes, that burn was directed to the European explorers who "discovered new lands" and claimed them for their own.) But every movie has that "just go with it" moment so we'll go with the kingdom of Winshire in this movie. We'll all pretend there is a small country just south of Luxemburg that isn’t France!
The second problem with fiction countries is all the people in these countries always speak English and with a British accent. That makes sense in Africa because there are many African countries that have English as an official language. But, in mainland Europe, there is not a single country where English is an official language. Do we actually believe Britain claimed land in Europe and made the residents learn English? Well, actually, that makes sense too. (Dang, two historical burns in one review.)
OK, where was I? Oh yes, Allie meets the king of Winshire, even though she doesn’t know he’s the king, and she is feeling quite embarrassed. Just wait, it gets worse, her sister ditches work to go to an audition and Allie is left to cover for her. Unfortunately, Allie doesn’t have the super power to clean like the Flash. Her boss sees her work isn’t done and fires Allie and Lisa on the spot. The only thing worse that an actor working a side-gig to pay the bills is an actor with no side-gig to pay the bills. Before Allie leaves, she demonstrates her real super power, her integrity, and she gives her boss a very expensive watch she found while cleaning the king’s suite. She could have sold the watch for Christmas money, but she's an honest and she recently double-crossed her fence so she was stuck.
Lucky for Allie, the king’s manservant just happened to see Allie’s honesty and he offers her a job as the princess’ governess. Allie doesn’t want to accept, but her siblings see dollar signs and force her into it. When Allie arrives in the kingdom of Winshire, she learns two things. First, the princess is a right wanker. She hits Allie in the face with a snowball and everyone knows the face is off limits in snowball fights. The princess also steals the schedule from Allie’s room so they are late for her appointments. What an absolute stinker.
The second thing Allie learns is that the king is a widower (What!?! I never would have guessed) and he is under enormous pressure to marry Celia, a member of the royal family from Luxemburg. Max would rather marry the princess of France, but France is still mad that Winshire "discovered" the part of France just south of Luxemburg and claimed it for their own.
Will Allie be able to get the princess to behave so Allie can keep her job through Christmas? I suggest sleeping pills and a leash. Will Celia win the king’s heart so she can marry him, send the princess to boarding school, and fire Allie? At first I thought yes, but then I learned Celia and Max aren’t even third cousins, so they probably aren't allowed. Will Allie’s New York attitude catch the king’s eye and convince him to marry her instead? Well, you’ll have to watch Crown for Christmas to find out and you definitely should.
Holiday Score: 7
This movie has the basics of a good holiday movie. It of course happens around Christmas. They decorate a tree. They bake Christmas cookies. They make ornaments. That would be good enough for a five, but what elevates this movie to a seven is all about snowballs.
There is a snowball fight in the movie, but the most interesting scene with a snowball is where the precocious princess throws a snowball from the ground floor and hits Allie on the SECOND FLOOR. That kid must have a cannon for an arm. The Yankees needs to sigh her now. Also, someone has to teach that kid some manners.
Romance Score: 7
The theme of royalty falling for a commoner is not new. It’s almost as common as the big city girl returning to her small hometown. So, it’s not the creativity of the story that earns a romance score of seven. To me, it’s the execution. I like all of the characters in this movie. I feel for the king. Sure, he is a king with everything he could ever want, but he has challenges too. Sometimes his tea gets cold. Sometimes his Rolls Royce is 19 degrees. Oh, and his wife died leaving him to care for his daughter and his country. I don't care how much money you have, that sucks.
I also like the antagonists or "bad guys" in this movie. Every good movie needs a good bad guy. George Baily had Mr. Potter (and himself), Cindy Lou Who had the Grinch (and herself), John McClane had Hans Gruber (and himself?). In this movie Max has Chancellor Riggs and Allie has Miss Wick, Celia, and that wicked little princess Theodora. These villains aren't boring villains with no bite and they aren't over-the-top crazy villains you laugh at. They feel like real people doing what they believe is right. It just happens to be the opposite of what our protagonists want. This creates the conflict required for to make a perfectly fine movie.
Comedy Score: 5
OK, a score of five for comedy isn’t great on it’s own, but if you consider that I gave a recent movie a score of -10 for comedy, a five is freaking amazing. Look, this movie isn’t a real comedy. It has some jokes and some one-liners that are fine. I may have laughed audibly once, maybe twice. I think what earned this score was the lack of horrible, horrible jokes that other movies tell. You know the ones. A character will deliver a totally lame one-liner and then everyone laughs on cue. This movie successfully avoided these jokes and should be applauded for it. Go on, applaud. That’s it.
Final Thoughts
If you are looking for the best holi-rom-com ever...you should probably look somewhere else.
If you are looking for a holi-rom-com that is pretty OK and miles and miles ahead of most other holi-rom-coms...then you should watch Crown for Christmas.
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