2015
Director: Lynne Stopkewich
Writers: Mackenzie Austin
Staring: Ashley Williams, Sam Jaeger, Hannah Cheramy, Keifer O’Rielly, Laura Mitchell, Miranda Frigon and Brad Mann as “Jimmy the Pizza Boss”
See this movie if… you love Mary Poppins, muppets or Halloween, but you hate all the magic, music and mayhem that come with these movies.
Don't see this movie if...you believe that movie characters should have, well...character. Not character as in moral fibre (the most interesting characters aren’t the knights in shining armour), character as having some sort of personality.
Oh Ashley Williams, your cute googly eyes just aren’t enough to make me like this movie. Seriously, her eyes make her look like a lost character from Sesame Street. You know, the one who helps Mr. Hooper look after Big Bird and they end up falling in love. A muppet and human hooking up, it was a very progressive episode. Now don’t get me wrong, I think Ashely Williams’ eyes are great, but when that is the best part of the movie, you’re in trouble.
The best way to describe this movie is a “broke-ass Mary Poppins”. It feels like the writers said, “Hey, let’s make a movie like Mary Poppins, but we’ll take out the useless parts like the animation, bad accents, banking, annoying former admirals and talking animals. While we’re at it, let’s also get rid of the interesting side stories, contagious musical numbers, nearly accurate period clothing, dirty dancing chimney sweeps, and characters with any sort of personality. Instead we’ll add a romance boring enough for the 1920s.”
Ashley Williams plays Poppy, a forty-something-year-old woman who just can’t find her niche in life so she decides to become a nanny. Obviously the name of the main character is a nod to Mary Poppins. Why did the writer stop there? Why didn’t they just call her Poppy Marins? They could also have her wear a beret and use a cane.
Like Mary Poppins, Poppy does have a magic touch with the kids. They of course start out hating Poppy, but once they look deep into her magic googly eyes they are entranced.
Kids: “We hate you Poppy, you’re not our Mom! Whoa...what big eyes you have Poppy.”
Poppy: “All the better to hypnotize you with.”
Kids: “Yes, Poppy. We love you Poppy. We’ll do anything for you Poppy. Please be a our muppet, I mean Mom, Poppy.”
Poppy: “Good, now shut up and go get me a dime-bag from the corner. These eyes don’t google on their own.”
Unfortunately, that is where the similarities between Poppy and Mary Poppins end. While Mary Poppins is practically perfect in every way, Poppy is only good at two things, entertaining kids and hypnotizing people to steal for her.
Poppy: “Ok, kids, here’s what we do. We go into this old-folks-home. We find some sucker with Alzheimer’s. Then you pretend to be their grand-kids. Tell them your Mom is in trouble and you need money.”
Kids: “Yes, Poppy”.
Truly though, the movie mentions three professions that Poppy failed at. Not only did she fail at them, she quits two of them mid-shift. If the dad actually interviewed Poppy and saw her resume he would probably ask, “So you worked at Pizza Palace and Yoga for Dummies for two days each, what happened?”
Poppy: “Well, I sucked so I quit...mid shift. But it’s all good, I won’t quit on you in the middle of the day and leave your kids to fend for themselves. You can trust me. Trust me...trust me...trust me...”
Dad: “I trust you Poppy.”
At least the movies acknowledges that she can’t commit. More than once her witty comeback to a conversation is, “I can’t commit.” We know Poppy, you don’t commit to anything! You know what, I actually think that makes Poppy more like Mary Poppins. Sure, Mary Poppins sticks with the Banks kids until the family is “fixed”, but then she bolts. Do you think there won’t be any further problems? Are you just there to make sure Mr. Banks gets fired? You might reply, “But she did come back, in Mary Poppins returns. That’s kind of the point of the name, dummy.” Well, I’d reply, “I wish she wouldn’t have returned.” That’s a review for another day.
Besides being a crappy knock off of Mary Poppins, my primary issue with this movie is the distinct lack of conflict. The story has lots of opportunities for conflict: workaholic Dad, magical new nanny, terrifying wild animals, possible new girlfriend for Dad, murderous crazy clowns on Halloween. Yeah, if only.
A good writer knows that if you want to make your story interesting, add conflict, put your characters in difficult situations, make bad things happen to them. This story never does. Oh, there are plenty of opportunities to do this, but every time some ugly crisis arises, the issue is resolved immediately. A perfect example is when one of the kids is mad at her Dad. She goes up to her room and her Dad goes up to talk to her. A few minutes later he returns and says, “Crisis averted.” Oh, well, done Dad. Thanks for making the story so boring.
Oh, Ashely Williams, you’ve enchanted me with your googly eyes and your lack of commitment to anything, but it just isn’t enough to make me like this story. It did make me want to watch the Muppet movies, which I did...all ten. Don’t you judge me. It also made me want to watch the real Mary Poppins to get the bad taste of this broke-ass Poppy Marrins out of my head. But not Mary Poppins Returns. That sequel only made me long for the quality of Cannonball Run 2.
If you are hoping for a modern take on Mary Poppins with a little romance thrown in...then you should look somewhere else.
If you want to have a movie on in the background of your home so you don’t feel alone, so very very alone, but a movie you can ignore...then you should watch October Kiss.
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