2017
Director: Gary Yates
Writers: Sanford Golden and Karen Wyscarver
Staring: Jodie Sweetin, Andrew W. Walker and Derek James Trupp as “Party Guest”
See this movie if… you have a massive sweet tooth. Actually, if you have a massive sweet tooth then this movie will only make you want to eat about a hundred candy canes. Partly because all the candy canes in this movie will make you jones for some and partly because you want to get the taste of this terrible movie out of your mouth.
Don't see this movie if… you like movie characters to be multi-dimensional or you are hoping for something close to the quality of Full House. This movie isn’t that good and that’s saying something. Also, don’t see this movie if you are hoping for Jodie Sweetin to say, “How rude!” She doesn’t say it in this movie, not once. How does the director miss that opportunity?
Merry & Bright is the story of the CEO of the Merry & Bright candy cane company, Cate Merriwether (Jodie Sweetin). She took the job from her grandmother a year ago. We don’t actually find out why she had to take over from her grandmother. Did she get out of the candy-cane rat-race to retire? All the red and white stripes probably got in her head and she moved to Lier, Belgium (#VexillologyJoke #InsideJokeForThisMovieSoYouWon’tGetItUntilYouWatch). Did she get kidnapped by a rival candy cane company and is living in a dingy makeshift prison in Maine? I’m campaigning for that to be the sequel where Arnold Schwarzenegger has to save her. It will be called “The Candy Cane-anator”. The tagline will be “I’ll be back...for Christmas”. My guess is she ate too much of her own product and got the sugar-diabetes and passed away.
Grandma’s old company isn’t doing so well, in fact it hasn’t turned a profit in two years. While I feel bad for them, I’m not sad to see the demise of candy canes. Seriously, does anyone like candy canes? Does anyone do anything with candy canes but decorate trees or take a few licks before sharpening the end into a deadly point? No people don’t and they shouldn’t. No one can get through a full-sized candy cane.
Having Cate own a candy cane company helps this movie meet the requirement of at least five Christmas movie tropes. Other tropes included in this movie are: happens in a small town, one character is from the big city creating a culture clash, everything is saved on Christmas or Christmas Eve, there is snow everywhere, but not on the actors, a cat gets electrocuted when it chews on Christmas lights.
Enter Gabe Carter (Andrew W. Walker), a corporate recovery specialist with a firm all the way in New York. ("New York City!?! Get a rope.") He is the typical big city type. He’s smart, successful, a little cocky and as handsome as a movie of this budget can afford. He is also uni-dimensional and totally uninteresting. Personally, I am attracted to people who are multi-layered and have a few flaws. Take my wife, she is beautiful and amazing, but by no means perfect. She has tons of flaws, for example...um, well, on second thought, she might read one of my reviews one day and this might be the one she reads. My lovely wife is practically perfect in every way.
Back to Gabe, he comes to this small town with his big city ideas, thinking these backwoods hicks need a shot of big-city smarts. What will Gabe recommend for the Merry & Bright Candy Cane Co? Will his big changes mean the end of their traditions? Will he swoop in and save the day? Or will he be the one that changes? Can Cate teach him a few things about loyalty, business, Christmas and maybe even love?
The big question is whether you should spend your Saturday afternoon watching this movie to find out. This movie is almost good enough to watch, almost. I wanted to like it. I really did, but it feels like the writers and director said, "Let's do something new and innovative. Something never done in a Christmas movie before. I know it, we'll have the main character own a candy cane company. Brilliant! Now fill in the blanks with our standard Christmas movie tropes and we're done. On to the next Christmas blockbuster!"
What really bugged me the most, though, was how they completely ignored the real reason anyone has a candy cane. It isn’t to enjoy the sweet minty flavour. It is so we can turn it into a weapon and stab our friends and possibly random strangers. Has anyone created a more perfect weapon? It is small and easy to conceal, people assume it is something innocent and it can be made sharp enough to draw blood.
If this movie had embraced the candy cane as the most deadly weapon of the Christmas season, it could have been a movie worth watching. There are many storylines they could have used. I’ll throw out a few examples.
A buddy comedy called Candy Boy. The movie is still about a candy cane company, but the new owner is a well-meaning, but underachieving doofus who has no idea how to save the company. Enter the big-city wise-cracking corporate recovery specialist who is there to help the company restructure. They go on a road trip to try to sell more candy canes. They end up in jail and realize they can do huge business by selling candy canes to inmates so they can make shivs.
A dark romance called Cane and Mable. The movie is about Cane, the son of the biggest candy cane maker in town and, Mable, the daughter of the biggest fruit cake maker in town. The two families have been mortal enemies for generations as they compete to sell the worst Christmas food item. Against their families wishes, they fall in love. After a street fight where someone is killed, all out war breaks out between the two families where candy canes are sharpened into swords and fruitcake is used as catapults. In the end everyone dies from diabetes.
A vampire movie called Pointy Things. The movie is about Santa’s son who is banished from the North Pole because he was turned into a vampire. He settles in Washington state where he falls in love with a moody, brooding girl who loves Christmas. She is already with another guy who is secretly a were-reindeer. He turns into a reindeer during the full moon. Santa’s son gets angry and decides to turn the girl into a vampire too so they can be together forever. The girl and the were-reindeer have to fight off the vampire using the only thing that can kill him, a sharpened candy cane.
A dark action drama called The Christmas Games. The movie is set in a country that is controlled by a state that hates Christmas. Every year it demands that the other states send two children to fight in the Christmas Games. In the Christmas Games they are forced to fight to the death using nothing but sharpened candy canes. Not really the happy Christmas movie they are going for, but much more entertaining.
You see, there are many lanes a candy cane themed movie could have gone that would have been more interesting. I've offered a few of my own. Please add your suggestions in the comments. Unfortunately this movie took the sweetest and boringest candy cane lane possible.
If you are looking for a holiday movie that uses the candy cane theme to its full potential, then you should probably look somewhere else.
If you really love Jodie Sweetin and do not care whether she says her Full House catchphrase then give Merry & Bright a try.
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