Released: 2019
Director: Clare Niederpruem
Writers: Audrey Shulman
Stars: Erin Cahill, Trevor Donovan, Gregory Harrison and Jan Broberg
Where to Watch: TV
Holiday score: 5
If you consider cider, pumpkins or pumpkin spice to be an integral part of the Fall holiday seasons then this is a holiday hit. For the rest of us sane people, it is not.
Romance score: 3
It would have been better if someone had filed a restraining order to keep these two apart.
Comedy score: 2
The law is no laughing matter and neither is this movie.
It’s that time of year again when people say, “it’s fall, y’all”. These are the same people who have waaaaay too many pumpkins in their yard. Perhaps they say it’s one for every incredibly creepy doll in their house. Trust me, you do not want to stay in their guest room. These are the same people who eat, drink, wear and breath EVERYTHING pumpkin spice until the scent of fake cinnamon drives the rest of us to become Jason from the movie Halloween. Hmmm, maybe that is what caused him to lose it in the first place. Yeah, it’s a wonderful time of year.
Fall is also the time of year when holi-rom-coms start to heat up just as the weather cools down. For holi-rom-coms, Christmas is the big time. It has the biggest, brightest and "best" holi-rom-coms. But, as awesome as all the Christmas holi-rom-coms are, we can’t just jump into the onslaught of Christmas holi-rom-coms that hit us in December. That would be madness. Imagine going eleven months watching terrible big budget Hollywood movies then BAM, you get hit with all the holiday cheer, romance and non-stop laughs of Christmas holi-rom-coms? Please, you’d go insane. We need to prepare for the Christmas movie season by watching the Fall movie season.
For the uneducated, Fall holi-rom-coms may seem like Christmas holi-rom-coms, but please, they are totally different. Christmas holi-rom-coms have characters with names like Holly, Mary, Chris, Joy and Ivy. Fall holi-rom-coms have names like Autumn, Maple, Gord, Jack, and Pumpkin. Not at all similar.
Christmas holi-rom-coms have a character who lives in the big city, like New York, and they are too successful for Christmas activities like giving presents, trimming trees, skating or even drinking hot chocolate. Fall holi-rom-coms have a character who lives in the big city, like LA, and they are too successful for Fall activities like carving a pumpkin, having awkward conversations over turkey dinner with racist uncles or dressing up for Halloween as an idea instead of a person and making everyone guess until they finally reveal “I’m wearing a shirt that says ‘go ceiling’ and I'm holding a pom-pom...I’m a ceiling fan...get it?” and everyone says “Ohhhhhh, right” as they turn and walk away. These busy people don’t even have time to drink hot apple cider. Are you starting to get it? No? I’ll try another.
Christmas holi-rom-coms have a character who lives in a small town who works the family Christmas tree farm or small candy cane business which is in trouble because Christmas spirit is dying everywhere in the world except their small town which depends on their small business. Fall holi-rom-coms have a character who lives in a small town who works the family pumpkin patch or caramel apple stand which is in trouble because grandma has been drinking the hard apple cider since she lost the town Halloween costume contest last year. “Don’t you get it!?! I’m a cow with a ukulele...I’m a moo-cision!” You see? Similar, but really quite different.
This year I started my holi-rom-com prep by watching “Love, Fall & Order”. This movie is about two lawyers. Now I am sure you are expecting a bunch of lawyer jokes like “this can’t be a love story because lawyers don’t have hearts” or “a movie about nice lawyers? I’ll be the judge of that”. Well, I won’t make those jokes because they suck (the jokes, not lawyers) and also because every lawyer I know is quite nice. No seriously, it’s true. I was surprised too.
The plaintiff is Patrick Harris played by Trevor Donavan. Patrick grew up in Waitsford, Vermont. He left town to become a big city lawyer, but he went through pumpkin spice withdrawal and ended up back where he started. Trevor is your regular handsome as heck small-town lawyer who just can’t find love. Which makes me say, “Really!?!” This guy has a jawline that carpenters use to cut right angles. If my bank account was as full as his lips, I could afford to get a pumpkin spice scone with my pumpkin spice apple cider. If this guy can’t find love then the rest of us dudes are screwed. Unless girls are looking for nice, polite, regular looking guys...bwahahahahaha, yeah right.
The defendant is Claire Hart played by Erin Cahill. She also grew up in Waitsford, Vermont and she also left her hometown to become a big city lawyer, but in New York. She was able to make it in the big city because her sponsor from her Pumpkin Spice Addicts support group made her stay away from Waitsford. Her law practice focuses on property law which will come in handy in the story.
Claire’s Dad is Hank Hart, played by Gregory Harrison, and he still lives in little old Waitsford where he still hosts the annual Fall Fest for the town. Patrick’s aunt Margie also lives in Waitsford and just happens to be Hank’s neighbour. She runs a local flower shop which, as you might guess, is struggling. OK, story sleuths, can you guess what might happen here? I know you can do it. We have two lawyers, one whose practice focuses on property law. The Dad and aunt are neighbours. If you guessed that aunt Margie is murdered and Hank Hart is the prime suspect which forces Patrick and Claire join forces to clear Hank’s name, well...you are not correct, but you have created a better story than we find in this movie. The correct answer is that while Patrick is helping aunt Margie with her flower store, he finds a document that makes him think that no good Hank Hart is farming some of aunt Margie’s land. Claire returns to Waitsford to defend her Dad.
Is Hank Hart working over the property line? (Anyone who is not a superhero with a first and last name starting with the same letter is already over the line.) Is Patrick just a terrible lawyer, leading aunt Margie to a fight she can not win. (Maybe, but he’s just so darn handsome.) Will Patrick and Claire combine their hearts to make one normal sized heart...and fall in love? (I object to that false statement. The math doesn't make sense since Lawyer's hearts are only a quarter the size of a normal heart.)
This being the first Fall holi-rom-com of the year for me, I was really hoping it would be good. Instead I found myself saying over and over again, “I object!” I could point to the terrible representation of legal proceedings, but that can be said of EVERY TV show and movie with a court scene. I’m not saying that legal proceedings are as boring as a legal textbook, but...well, actually, I think that is exactly what I am saying. So it is probably not fair of me to fault a holi-rom-com for not being accurate here.
What I will complain about is the lack of friction between the two parties. Holi-rom-coms require some friction that creates heat and starts the fire of love burning. Love, Fall & Order had the kind of friction that leads to a gross rash that needs a whole bottle of Gold Bond medicated powder. (That’s my second reference to Gold Bond, I think I need a sponsorship deal or I just need to get my rash treated. TMI you say? Well, obviously.)
I don’t think it is giving too much away to say that Patrick convinces aunt Margie to sue Hank for part of his land. Claire comes back to town to help her Dad with the lawsuit. And still, everyone is nice, polite and friendly. Maybe I’m just easily offended (“Ya think?” says my wife.), but I would not be so nice to someone who is suing me for part of my land. I would never talk to them on the street. I'd just glare in their direction. If I did have to speak to them, I might alternate regular words with curse words. I might position a scarecrow in various locations of their property to freak the crap out of them. I might even build a trebuchet to throw pumpkins at their farm.
What I would not do is flirt ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly, with the opposing lawyer, hoping that my mildly romantic gestures will hypnotize them until one day they wake up and say, “Well...how did I get here? This isn’t my beautiful house. This isn’t my beautiful wife.” I would also not consume enough pumpkin spice that my BO smelled like a pumpkin spice scented candle. That has nothing to do with romance, but I still wouldn't do it.
So, I didn’t start off my holi-rom-com season with the best movie. Love, Fall & Order was disappointing in its portrayal of legal proceedings and it’s lack of true romantic tension. It also had all-together too much pumpkin spice. What it did have was a dog. A dog that Patrick was allowed to take everywhere and whom anyone would look after with a moment’s notice. Now that is a nice town. So sad that the best thing to say about a movie is that it has a dog.
If you are looking for the perfect holi-rom-com to celebrate the Fall holiday season...you should probably look somewhere else.
If you are currently eating a piece of pumpkin pie, drinking a pumpkin spice latte, burning a pumpkin spice candle, doused in pumpkin spice perfume/cologne and wearing a burned orange sweater...then you might just enjoy Fall, Love & Order.
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