Released: 2016
Director: James Head
Writers: Robert Tate Miller and Liam Fearnley
Stars: Jill Wagner, Wes Brown, and Tom Tasse as Herb
Watch it: Stack TV on Amazon Prime, Hallmark on the W Network.
Holiday score: 7
Holiday formula: The whole community decorates a tree? Check. Community sledding race? Check. Community gingerbread house competition? Check. Building snowmen as a family? Check. Christmas cookies? Well, duh. Christmas music performed by the elf version of BTS? Sadly, no.
Romance score: 6
One of the characters is interesting, like a delicious shortbread. The other is boring, like a sugar cookie in the shape of Santa, but without icing on his fuzzy hat, pink cheeks and candy nose, so you can bite his head off first. Always go for the head first. The story is a cookie cutter version of a holi-rom-com, but it is executed well enough to merit some points.
Comedy score: 1
No intentional laughs at all. At least none that I saw.
Today I am reviewing the movie Christmas Cookies which is set in the quaint little town of Cookie Jar. Ok, right off the bat, this is just lazy writing. Some may love the name of the town because this movie is about a cookie factory and the factory that makes the cookies is in a town called Cookie Jar. I just think it’s too on the nose. Other terrible options include Cookietown, Sugar Hill or Little Oven. Also, was the town named because of the cookie factory? Or was the town named first and Aunt Sally thought, “You know what would be great? If someone made cookies right here in Cookie Jar. It would be so meta.” What’s that you say? You think I used the word “meta” wrong? Well, I think that no one really knows what “meta” means and “artsy” people use it to sound smart. You know I’m right on both accounts.
Christmas Cookies stars Jill Wagner as Hannah Harper, a driven employee of National Foods. Here we go again. When you hear the name National Foods, what do you think? Super kind food company that support local business? Um, no. You of course think of a company that travels all over the galaxy trying to destroy all happiness and is led by a tall dude in a black helmet that alters his voice and breath to sound intimidating. If that’s what you thought then...you’ve probably watched a holi-rom-com before.
So, Hannah lives in the big city, she can’t find love, she hates Christmas, yadda, yadda, yadda, pretty much a cookie cutter version of the big city character from every holi-rom-com. Why do holi-rom-com writers hate the big city so much? They never have the small town girl get stuck in the big city only to learn the true meaning of Christmas. That’s because they are more likely to learn the meaning of “Don’t drive through the north side after dark.”
Hannah’s company, Evil Empire Inc, I mean National Foods, hopes to acquire the iconic Christmas cookie company, Aunt Sally’s Cookies and bring these delightful cookies to every sweet tooth in North America all year round. Hannah’s boss assigns her to close the deal before Christmas so Hannah is on her way to Cookie Jar. While Hannah has no desire to participate in anything remotely Christmas-ey, she sees this deal as her chance to get ahead at National Foods. There really are only two ways to get ahead at National Foods and that’s to find the stolen plans to the Death Star or do the president’s dirty work.
Hannah’s first order of business is to meet with the president of Aunt Sally’s Cookies, Jake Carter, played by Wes Brown. Jake grew up in Cookie Jar, but he left for the big city to find his fortune. Jake may have been successful in the big city, but he decides that he misses his hometown (and all the crack Aunt Sally puts in her cookies) and he moves back. When Aunt Sally passes away, Jake inherits the company. Jake wouldn’t dream of selling the company, but unfortunately it has fallen on hard times. Rumour is that Jake has been using too much of his product. Everyone knows the first rule of the cookie game is not to sample your own product.
Jake isn’t the only one who loves Cookie Jar. It seems that everyone in the town was born there and has no desire to leave. Brooke, who hopes to leave for med-school, wants to return to practice medicine in Cookie Jar. I hear she is focusing her medical education on diabetes research. Another town resident, Herb, says, “That’s what makes a town. No one ever wants to leave.” And here I thought it was a group of people who lived in the same place. Perhaps everyone loves Cookie Jar because of Aunt Sally’s delicious cookies. Maybe it’s the healthy serving of love that goes into each cookie. Maybe it’s the dash of crack she puts in them. Maybe Aunt Sally was an alien that used her cookies to merge the minds of the people in Cookie Jar to subject them to her will. If you stay long enough, you’ll become “one of us”.
After a couple of awkward interactions where Jake let’s Hannah think he’s someone else (yeah, he’s that smooth), they finally formally meet to discuss the deal. Jake isn’t happy with the offer because it will relocate the factory to Buffalo. He says it’s because the employees don’t want to leave Cookie Jar and they will lose their jobs. I think it’s because it’s harder to get his “special ingredients” in Buffalo. Hannah reminds Jake that he has been a total creep so far so Jake agrees to mull over the offer for 72 hours. Ok, that is a pretty smooth move. Holding up a business deal so the cute girl has to hang out with you for three days? Well played Jake, well played.
Will Jake accept the deal and let National Foods move the cookie factory to Buffalo? I know the employees don’t want to move, but sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. (That’s just not funny Whitney so stop snickering to yourself.) Will Hannah convince her boss to keep the cookie factory in Cookie Jar after the deal is done? (What’s the best place to keep a cookie? In my belly!) Will Jake pretend to be someone charming and convince Hannah that she should be the milk to his cookies? (Whitney, do you realize how that sounds? That’s almost worse than your cookie crumbles comment.) Is Hannah actually with the DEA and is performing a sting on Aunt Sally’s crack business? Well, you’ll have to watch Christmas Cookies to find out and I I think you should.
Holi score: 7
Christmas Cookies gets a solid seven for the holi score. That’s because it jams every holi-rom-com holiday schtick into this movie. There are numerous community Christmas events like the town Christmas tree decorating, sled race and gingerbread house competition. There is also some snowman building and plenty of cookies. I mean A LOT of cookies. I gained weight just watching this movie. That said, they also have numerous references to pumpkin pie which I did not get. If Aunt Sally’s cookies are so good, why would they eat anything else? Unless the town refuses to eat Aunt Sally’s cookies, which makes sense. Maybe they aren’t eating their own product, just replacing it with pumpkin pie. Maybe pumpkin pie is a euphemism.
I didn’t mind all the Christmas activities, they were standard, but not too cheesy. What I really liked in Christmas Cookies is that they don’t let Hannah, the new-comer in town, turn on the lights. All these small towns in holi-rom-coms love Christmas so much that you know the position of Christmas tree lighter is a position of pride. I’m sure it’s like being prom queen or getting to play Mary in the manger scene or being the holiday cheer-meister.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the appointment might even involve some political posturing or some Game of Thrones type competition. In so many holi-rom-comes the mayor invites the visitor from the big city to turn on the lights of the town Christmas tree and everyone just says, “Yeah, that’s a great idea.” I’m sure there is a lady named Dolly who has been planning on getting to flip the switch this year and when the new-comer gets the honor she flips her lid instead and hatches a plan to release her dragons on the whole town.
At least that’s what she tells her diary that evening. “Dear Diary, today that big city floozy, Hannah, stole my right to turn on lights on the Cookie Jar Christmas tree. It was almost more than I could take. I have started to make a plan to exact my revenge on that hoochy. At least there is no way she will steal my future husband, Jake. If she does then I shall unleash hell upon this town! Mwahahahahahaha”
Rom score: 6
Christmas Cookies scores a generous six for romance. The relationship between Jake and Hannah is ok, it’s fine. I’m sure you are wondering which character is the delicious shortbread and which is the boring sugar cookie. Well, Hannah is the delicious shortbread. I like Hannah’s character and I think Jill Wagner does a good job. We see a couple different sides of her character and I found her interesting and likeable. She has some ultra-cheesy lines, but some zingers as well.
Then we have Jake. The boring sugar cookie Truly, Jake is one of the most boring characters I have encountered in a holi-rom-com and that is saying a lot. You could have made a cardboard cutout of Wes Brown that would have had as much personality as Jake. I’m not saying it is Wes Brown’s fault, Jake has plenty of throw away lines, but maybe these lines could have been spiced up with a little, I don’t know, what’s the word for it...oh, that’s it, acting! Maybe it’s the effect of eating so many of Aunt Sally’s cookies that have dulled his brain. I hear drugs will do that to you.
Com score: 1
Lastly, Christmas Cookies scores a dismal one for comedy. This is not a holi-rom-com. It’s just a plain old holiday romance. I’m a big fan of comedy. What’s that you say? You don’t think I have any sense of humor? Well, have you read my reviews? Oh, you have? Well that hurts...a lot. I’m going to drown my hurt feelings in sugar and “spice”.
Anyway, I don’t think Christmas Cookies tries to be funny. It has a few moments where it could be funny, but I think it plays it safe and keeps it a little boring. I feel like I should really be taking this movie to task for it’s complete lack of humour, but I’m actually not that mad at it. It’s not a half bad holiday romance movie so in the end it’s fine.
If you are looking for a laugh-out-loud holi-rom-com...you should probably look somewhere else.
If you are looking for a holi-rom-com that is super sweet with just enough romance...then you should watch Christmas Cookies.
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